It was a hard day yesterday. It wasn’t the usual type pf hard. It was the type of hard where my self control was tested. Where I had to put up a happy face because I cared for something so deeply that I didn’t want to jeopardize it in my eyes nor in anyone else’s.
Yesterday one of my good friends called me at 10am. I knew that as soon as I saw her number, something was wrong. Our relationship has been through text and e-mails so when the phone call comes, I knew it wasn’t good news.
When her voice chokes and she says “I’m the bearer of bad news”, I automatically knew that someone has passed away, died, gotten killed, committed suicide or something worse was about to come out of her mouth. She starts to cry and her voice starts to crack, it was bad. She tells me that Amy died. As appalled and shocked as I have been at other moments in my life; this was right up there.
Not so long ago a friend of ours committed suicide and it wasn’t as hard as this one. He left behind a wife and kids and I still didn’t bat an eyelash at the whole situation. The problem is that I recall how much this poor girl went through shit in her life.
Amy’s health was always bad. She suffered through a bout of a Staphylococcus infection. She was in the hospital for 30 some odd days; It left her with a massive scar on her back that I joke around on. “ You man will never hit you doggy style again”, I told her. She laughed hard and said; “only you would make me laugh like that”. I always spoke to her straightforward and for a few years, we were incredibly tight.
The biggest moment in our friendship came when she visited me for a nice dinner. She walked in through my door with a gift snuggled tight against her chest. It was wrapped neatly in a shiny gold and silver gift-wrap. I met her with a hug and a surprised enthusiastic look. She hands me this small gift and I open it. It was a poetry book by Saul Williams. At that point, I didn’t have a clue who Saul Williams was. The book came with a CD and when I played it, let’s just say it wasn’t what I expected. She said “I think you will like it eventually, you could be that big sammy”
She had this way about her that exuded faith in me. All this was when I met her in 1998, that was my very first year connecting to AOL. We maintained a friendship through AOL hometown, chat rooms, friendster, migente, myspace, and finally facebook. She followed my poetry and followed me and never hesitated to let me know that she knew I would do it big with my words.
It’s been interesting seeing some of the homage’s to Amy on her facebook page. She wasn’t as popular as she was before because she dropped friends like flies. She had a way about her that made some people either question her sanity or just merely create a small space between themselves and her. I never took it at face value because you always knew that deep inside of her, she meant well.
As unfortunate as it is, she lost her life this Thursday and it has affected a few people to the point that they can’t seem to function. As my heart goes out to her, it weighs heavy for her two kids, Nick and Jay. I’m sure they will be ok but at a moment they need a mother the most, I just can’t help but feel sorry for them.
my heart goes out to you
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