NYC Baby Shower festivities.

So instead of running to the computer to get a post into my blog, I settle back and assess the feelings. It’s my new way of making sure I have all the right words down. It’s not easy trying to be a writer but try being one that is really out of practice.

The past couple of days have been special to my wife and I. We were fortunate enough to fly to NYC to be with my mother and father for Thanksgiving. We also took the opportunity to get some partying done. So we organized a party for our upcoming baby. We had a final total of 82 people come bless my wife and I. Her perfectly round baby bump was the center of attention. It was a total and completely loving experience.

The highlight of the trip was finally getting my parents connected to the internet via a skype phone. It’s probably the easiest thing for them to operate. It will give us a great opportunity to chat with them when the baby is here and they will see the growth of the child in real time instead of still photos. This was a phenomenal idea from the wiff.

Thanksgiving was nice as my dad made a turkey that was basically good enough to eat 16 pounds of it on your own. I don’t know if it was jet lag or just a massive overdoes of tryptophan, my wife and I knocked out cold on the couch.

Historically, my Thanksgiving holidays have always been very small. My family and I never really went out to peruse the kitchens of other family members. We just stayed at home and ate and watched TV. The only time we made a big deal out of the holidays was when my uncle was alive. He was killed in March of 1990 and after that, the divide of the family started. “Divide” is a very ugly word to describe what happened but that is the only one that could adequately describe how we all went our own separate way.

Coming back, I had a conversation with my only surviving Blood cousin Edwin. I told him that for the past few years that I felt I’ve taken the responsibility of trying to keep what little family I have left together. It’s been tiring and I feel that he needs to share that responsibility also. Some people might think that I have a huge family. Most of that comes from distant cousins from my mother’s side. We are a dying breed on my father’s side. Here is a little known and extremely scary fact. If my wife and I do not have a boy, the name Vargas has a possibility of dying with me. I never gave this too much thought but it scared the hell out of me a few years back. What difference will my name make in this world. Am I going to just live an existence that makes absolutely no contribution to bettering this world? I hope everyday that my brief amount of time on this rock will make an impact for the better for my kids.

The baby shower was completely amazing. My wife and I had a great time. Some of the most special people in our lives made the special trek to show us some love. The funny thing is that after a while I had to force myself not to think about the ones that didn’t make it. I had to appreciate the family who laughed, hugged, and genuinely loved us on that day. The Bruckner Bar and Grill was great in their treatment of us. They gave us a great deal and the food was on point. That seems to be the spot that I will always visit upon my return to NYC. It has a special place in my heart as we organized some of our finest poetry readings there.

When my wife and I got home, we went through all our cards and it was such an outpouring of love. I was taken aback how people took the time out to go out of their way to make sure this little baby girl will have everything she needs upon her entrance to the world. I have about 27 thank you cards to write and each one will have its special feel.

My wife and I both battled colds in the past week. So much fun.

MY baby girl is coming

so, here I am, 26 weeks prior to my baby girl making her appearance into the world. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. I don't even know where to start but let's see what comes out on this paper.

I have had this blog for a little while now. I stopped writing after moving to California. I don't really know where the stoppage came from but I just know that I've missed it terribly. As soon as I find out my wife was preggo, I changed the title of my blog. I will try to get as much writing out and give reflection of fatherhood experienced from a first time dad.

Right now, it seems our little baby is trying to kick her way out of the stomach instead of waiting patiently for the full term. A few weeks ago, my wife was cuddled up next to me. I felt the baby kick through her stomach and karate drop kick me in the back. All I could do was think of how this little girl is already acting up. It was cute but it was also scary as hell.

As I tend to write more, I really want to make sure I keep this journal going for my baby girl could see what's going on. We are keeping a had copy but I also want to keep this one going. As I want to be 100% honest and genuine, I also don't want to give the wrong impression. It seems that fatherhood has tempered me somewhat. My thoughts are filtered as well as my language and I don't have a problem with that.

As I want to do a good job, I don't want to start off wrong at the jump. Granted, language alone is going to be a challenge but I now I could convey a thought without profanity.

It has been an interesting ride so far. Now, I fear things I never would have thought of. I fear my baby girl will feel judged and looked down upon if she isn't what society says she is supposed to be. I have read articles about little girls dieting by age 10, wanting boob jobs by age 17, getting plastic surgery procedures by the handful before they are 21.

I grew up in an environment that wasn't necessarily healthy but none of us really cared what anyone said about us. I never cared if any of the girls thought I was cute, handsome, hot, or hunky. Honestly, we were just too busy trying to survive. Living on the west coast, there are too many people who are completely infatuated with looks. I've heard people describe others like "Oh, such and such is a nice guy, he's such a hunk". So, if he wasn't a hunk, he wouldn't be a nice guy? Judgements are passed like a wet rag and it's sad these days. How can I teach my little baby girl that she has to be a strong intelligent young woman before anything else. Granted, she won't be eating oreo cookies into the night because I have to teach her everything I didn't learn about healthy eating.

I am in that long hard process of trying to de-program myself from passing judgement. I grew up without an appeal towards robust women. Even until this day, I see a woman who is overweight and I have a reaction that is not positive. I am not proud of it but I acknowledge that I had had this burned into my brain. I am currently in the process of repair and I know it will take time.

So, here I am. I will be a first time father at the age of 41. When my baby girl is 20, I will be 61 years old. Yes, I am going back into the gym because I need to be in shape and alive.

I leave with this thought. I would want the world to look at my baby girl and talk about books, favorite toys, favorite time of day. I would prefer this instead of the default "you look so cute, so beautiful, so pretty". This way, when those empty and sad compliments stop coming, my baby girl will know that life is more then her looks.

Fish Vargas

I think it's time to start writing in my blog again

I have to exercise my fingers (that occasionally connect to my brain) because it feels a little difficult to bang anything out.

SO, hopefully in the next few weeks, it will be an all assault on everything going on. Of course, it will have to be PG-13.

See you soon


Fish Vargas